It’s Not All Bleak

Hat tip to Moldy Chum, this brought a smile today-

Today, Congressman Peter DeFazio introduced a bill that would protect roughly 100,000 acres in Douglas County, Oregon. The legislation was introduced by Senators Ron Wyden and Jeff Merkley in the Senate in May, 2015, and passed out of the U.S. Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources in July, 2016.

The Frank Moore Wild Steelhead Sanctuary Act (H.R. 6129) would permanently safeguard a tributary of the North Umpqua River that contains some of the best wild steelhead spawning areas in the Pacific Northwest. Named in honor of Frank Moore, a World War II veteran and a legendary steward of the North Umpqua River, the act would protect drinking water, critical wildlife habitat, and cultural resources in the Steamboat Creek watershed, identified as one of the most important ecological areas in the Pacific Northwest. The area provides more than 50 miles of high-quality river and stream habitat for summer and winter steelhead, Chinook and coho salmon, rainbow trout, and other native species.

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Celebrate the Wins

If you fish flies and surf the web, you might have noticed a lot of recent focus on protecting our public lands. Buster’s done a bit of mouthing off about it too, and we know it’s easy to let the bastardos get you all down in the chops.

So pick your ass up, get your Muir on, and celebrate the addition of 400 acres to Yosemite’s western boundary.

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Ackerson Meadow was part of John Muir’s original plan for Yosemite

via Luke Hunt, Ph.D. for American Rivers:

Through this addition to Yosemite National Park, Ackerson Creek – which flows through the property before flowing into the Wild and Scenic South Fork of the Tuolumne River and the greater San Joaquin River – will have its water quality protected from threats for years to come.

Aw hellz yeah!

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Yules, Fools!

Hard to believe, we know, but it’s time once again for The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton’s Very Hairy Holiday Revue Special Thing! Ike likes to open with a song.

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gabba gabba HEY!

Oh the gallant Fishers life,
It is the best of any,
’Tis full of pleasure, void of strife,
And ’tis belov’d of many:
Other joyes
are but toyes,
and I hope I get the one with Kunge Fu Grippe!

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A traditional Drunktopian solstice celebration

In the Black Forest they celebrate by getting shitfaced, setting fire to 800-lb straw-packed oak wheels, rolling them down mountainsides into sleepy villages and making bets on the fates of the panicked peasantry as they flee in terror. Here comes a Merry Christmas! Who’s dreaming of sugarplums NOW, proles?! And though I can’t think of anything more perfectly German, I must say that they’ve at least got a handle on merrymaking. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t want to try this? Like, right now, let’s go. 

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a foul and odiferous goo

A festive holiday story from a while back that I like to share at this merry time of year. I grant you The Power of Lutefisk!

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Have a Yes album cover Christmas!

And finally, Brother Glista’s done it again. Behold this year’s holiday fly candy, fever-dream fresh from the festive frankenlab:

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This is mine. Get your own!

Be safe, scamps! Now go make some merry!

 

Further Dave Appreciation

Since it’s some sort of unofficial last hurrah for summer’s mad knees-bent running about behavior, and also because part of the joy of this weird pursuit is in the characters you meet.

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GIDORAH!

“We had just been invited to join an all day golf scramble and drinking bash hosted by a whole medly of fraternal lodge organizations. Elks, Moose, and Eagles strolled about the first tee. Most of the people were meeting for the first time; our identities seemed secure, but since you can’t be too careful we traded our fishing hats for the fezzes of three staggering-drunk Shriners from Anaconda, then filled out our name cards as Methyl, Ethyl, and Nitrate Blitz.

Not all of the Blitz Brothers were strangers to a golf course. One of them had even played in college. Ethyl had the distance, Methyl the hot irons, and Nitrate, to his bemused delight, found that he could putt. Just like lining up the eight ball for a bank shot, he said. The Brothers for as long as they could maintain their momentum atop the bell curve of enhanced perception were like besotted Jedi knights: the force was with them. The tournament was a scramble, a format ideally suited to their condition.

On the holes that ran with the wind the Brothers were absolutely splendid. They birdied the first and third, then Nitrate drained a thirty-foot putt for eagle from the fringe on the par five sixth. First prize was two hundred dollars, and the Blitz Brothers had already decided to spend it all in one place – like maybe Idaho. Then, on the eighth, Methyl was driving the cart in the rough searching for a hooked ball and lighting a cigar when he should have been watching where he was going. All three brothers hiked the tall weeds to the car, then stopped at a drug store, bought a postcard, drew a map to the cart and signed it with a sketch of a scuba diver, then continued fishing toward the Big Hole River, where it was deemed by popular acclaim to be cocktail hour, and time to switch to gin.”

-from True Love and the Woolly Bugger by Dave Ames, 1996

Trick Out Your Trout Stream

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PSSSHT!

Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘08

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Aw damn, it’s that time already, and you just drew David James Duncan for your Secret Santa antic. What the hell do you get for that guy? Pocket Soduku? ShamWow? He does that weird whippy fishing thing, right? Yeah, something with a fish on it, good, that’s good. But what? Lookit all this stuff!

No fear, intrepid reader, commence merriment! Buster’s here to help you separate the sweet from the daft with Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘08. OK we know you’re happy. Please stop with the screaming.

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The Screamin’ Reel Alarm Clock

($130.00 for wood, $189.00 for aluminum, from Reeltime) – goes RZZZZZ when the alarm goes off.

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Thee: Simulates the sound of line ripping off the reel when the alarm goes off, huh? So, obviously, this is not appropriate for trout fishermen.

Smiff: An essential ingredient in any Rube Goldberg device. Try rigging it so the alarm starts the kettle and pulls the blanket off when you have a boil.

Salty: Cork drag? Aircraft aluminum frame? Nope. Sound of line going out while I’m stuck here in the desert? What is this the kick in teh nuts wakeup alarm?

Wook: No sign of a drag, so maybe if you get a nice backlash you can sleep for another hour. Includes a real fly stuck in it, so when your sleepy self tries to palm it you’ll get a little extra wake-up action.

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A Trout for Holding Those Things With Lots of Pages and Words and stuff

($19.99) – Wood and simulated fish parts hold books perfectly upright. Better than a pair of bricks because, hey cmon, fish!

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Thee: Does the full collection of James Prosek “masterworks” come with this or does the angler need to purchase that separately (by the pound)?

Smiff: “Hey look – a trout swam right through my collection of purely decorative leather-bound books! HA! Would you care for another Cosmopolitan?”

Wook: Seems weird that a handsomely bound collection of words celebrating the fish and its pursuit would then be used to chop one in half.

Thee: Warning: Likely burst into flames if exposed to anything from Frank Amato Publishing.

Christmas Trout

($12.95 from Kumquat Art) – Glass trout ornament by Inge Glas of Germany. Very fancy. Tail not included or even available.

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Wook: It looks like a pickle. With gills and fins and a face. And a rash.

WT: Look at its tail. I think that it’s got the whiling disease.

Wook: No seriously, it’s a pickle.

Thee: Well, what happens when you lick it?

Wook: Buster has yet to find anyone willing to lick the mutant space trout pickle. Let’s get Salty.

Salty: Look, I made you a wooden pickle.

Bait Shop Bird House

($18.99 from Log Cabin Fever) – “Bass Lake Lodge” birdhouse with fishing-themed accents that are reminiscent of a lakeside retreat. For birds to poop on.

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Thee: It’s missing the tweaker’s old camo pickup with the rebel battleflag in the back window that’s parked out front. While the birdies are in the store getting their seed, that asshole will be breaking into their nests and stealing their TVs.

Wook: I’m sure my mob of blue jays would appreciate the “fishing-themed accents” while they’re slobbering seed all over the joint.

Tackle Box Thing Full of Candy With Santa On It

($3.95 from Carol’s Candy Corner) – fudge-filled “bobbers”, chocolate “sinkers”, gummy worms, fish and frogs, packed in a plastic box. Box features Cartoon Santa putting the right jolly old wood to a gummy burbot. Net Wt 5 oz.

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Smiff: I’m not putting one of those bobbers in my mouf, no matter how much nog you pour down my throat.

Wook: Safe bet: if the words “fun gift for any fisherman” are printed on the item, then it likely isn’t.

Thee: I’ve actually received this gift — no lie. Here’s my review: The gummies were redolent of petrol, tho I found myself intrigued by their stale, non-gummy texture. An interesting juxtaposition! The green things, well, I wasn’t really so sure what they were… I have a sneaking suspicion that they were part of this new “molecular gastronomy” situation. Nonetheless, these had been put through the flavor extractor — twice. I cannot remember what the bobber things were, but I ate them. NOT yummy, holmes. The sinkers were little chocolate turds, also stale, mealy and borderline rancid. I ate them, too. So, yeah, this was loaded with crap candy that tasted horrible. Perfect for the angler in your life you’d like to see writhing on the floor with dysentery.

Salty: So this is the perfect gift for Larry Craig and Donny Beaver?

Really Big Fish Hook

(Starting at $25 from Hand Made Fish Hooks) – For ass-hooking really big fish, we guess.

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WT: You could tie a therma-rest to this thing and have the biggest Chernobyl Ant ever! Ha Ha!

Wook: Body part bait sold separately.

Thee: Let’s see, I’ve found my really big-assed fish hook, now where in the world did I leave that encyclopedia sized-Zippo?

Salty: It obvious none of you humps fish the salt. I’ll take 2 dozen and a couple of dead baby dolphins.

Toilet Bowl Brush Caddy Thing With A Fish On It

($23.40 from The Jungle Store) – Looks like a wicker basket creel with a hat and a fish on it, but it’s not really, because it’s plastic. Is trick! Ha!

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Wook: I’m so crazy nuts about fishing that I like to pretend I’m fishing when I’m swabbing out the ol thunder bucket. Thank you, Aunt Edna, for indulging my disturbing compulsion with this thoughtful gift.*SCHLAP*

Salty: Just what I’ve always wanted. Something that will associate the shittiest job in the house with my favorite pastime. Awesome, thanks dear.

Smiff: “Big brown on!! Bring the net!!”

How To Shit In The Woods

($9.95 at Amazon.com) – By Kathleen Meyer, from Ten Speed Press. Second edition – yes, second edition – includes a new chapter entitled “Plight of the Solo Poop Packer”.

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Wook: Can’t possibly go wrong. I mean c’mon, the first chapter is called “Anatomy of a Crap”. According to Amazon, people who purchased this book also bought “Up Shit Creek: A Collection of Horrifyingly True Wilderness Toilet Misadventures”. That’s gold.

Salty: That and the toilet brush make a great package gift for mother-in-laws and bosses.

Christmas Bonus Dick Joke!

If that special angler on your list gets nothing else this X-mas, there’s always the Wunder Boner:

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OK scamps, that’s it for this year! Go to bed or you get nothing! NOTHING!

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Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07 – Part 3

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Here it comes, the big Festivus gift-lobbing kablooey, and oh damn you forgot about Weird Cousin Fred the Fisherman. OK, well, just google up “Crap With Fish On It” and holy jumpin jeebus on a pogo stick, lookit all this stuff! How the hell are you supposed to decide? Well Buster’s here to help you separate the sweet from the daft. Presenting the third and final installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07. Now settle down and stop horsing around.

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The Big Bobber Floating Cooler

($29.69 from Creative Sales Company) – 12-can cooler, looks like ye olde bait bobber, and it floats. Get it?

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Wook: I bet you could fit a whole midget in there.

Thee: Don’t call them midgets, bro. They get all irked and shit. I learned this on “Little People, Big World” which is a reality show on the TV. There’s these two midgets little people, see, and they have this farm and guess where it is… you got it… Oregon! No shit, Oregon! Go figure, huh? Anyway, the mom is pretty hot in a MILFy midget little person way and they have a buncha kids and shit and they all love one another even though some of the kids are normal sized and some are “little.” So… where was I…. Oh! I wonder if they have one of those bobber things?

Banknote: Does it grill sausages? THAT would be impressive.

Salty: Mmm sausages and beer, that makes for a good Christmas; this would make for a strong addition to a party float on the Little J.

Smithhammer: Some poor stiff is gonna wash up in one of those off of Manhattan, guaranteed.

Wally: A great gift for someone who transports donor organs.

Wook: Dear Little People, I apologize for calling you “midgets,” and I have no real evidence to suggest that you’d fit inside the bobber cooler. But if you can, please take a photo and send it to us. Merry Christmas, and I’m sure someday you’ll be the best dentist ever.

Fly Fishing Bathroom Scale

($69.95 from Sporty’s Men’s Collection) – Digital bathroom scale made of clear acrylic with hand tied flies molded into the platform. 330 lb. capacity, sorry huge giant fatties.

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Salty: I don’t see a nymph on that thing, Bacon would buy it.

Wook: Methinks somebody’s got a surplus of Taiwanese flies.

Wally: I invented a novelty/gift bathroom scale once. It looked just like this one except that it had a mirrored surface and an analog display. It didn’t sell very well, I guess nobody likes analog these days.

Banknote: Hey, can you weigh weed on that thing?

Thee: It’s those gotdam flies… they’re adding 10 pounds!

C-Love: Why does it always have to be traditional salmon flies? Meh.

Smithhammer: Would be better if the hooks all protruded upwards.

Trout Cufflinks

($175.00 from CufflinksDepot.com. Yeah, really.) – Cuff bling for the natty troot-pimp-about-town.

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Wook: We have it on good authority that Tom Chandler’s been really good this year, hoping for at least one pair of these. Several pair would be great, because you know these crazy “underground” subculture types and their weird piercings and such. Whatever, hope you enjoy them Tom, because you asked for it.

Salty: Those are some natty cuff links; they’d make all the boys at the SRC jealous, except Lefty, he’s got that pimped out belt buckle

Thee: Are those fucking things blinking? I hope not, because taking blinking trouts to a rave is like, very very 2002. That being said, James Prosek would wear these to the goddam figgy pudding dinner or whatever…

Wookipedia: The history of figgy pudding dates back to 17th century England. The ancestor of figgy pudding (and plum pudding) is a medieval spiced porridge known as Frumenty.

Salty: I question Thee’s commitment to sparkle motion.

Wook: But not to Frumenty.

Legends of the Lake Fishing Game

($19.95 from Amazon) – The latest introduction to the best-selling “Bass Fishin” series. 4 legendary fish to catch and conquer, and famous lakes around the country to fish. Hand-held electronic bass fishin game features realistic vibration feedback & authentic reel sounds. Allegedly.

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Wook: Almost exactly unlike fishing, but you’re guaranteed to look like an idiot on the couch in your ratty robe and your new fuzzy slippers all knees-bent and hunched over with your tongue stickin’ out squinting at the thing and then spazzing out when it starts vibrating like a cheap Chinese robot prostitute. Add realism by getting your brother-in-law to stand over your shoulder and yell “set set SET SET AW SHIT YOU SUCK!” Good luck with that.

Thee: Not for sale to pre-teen gals. Sorry.

Smithhammer: Good cover story for when you happen to leave your vibrator on the coffee table.

Salty: There’s no way to follow that ^.

Wook: Ha! No, really, it’s a fishing game! Look, you give it a yank like that and BZZZZZT. See? What?!

Rainbow Trout Salt & Pepper Shakers

($15.21 from Bellfishing.com) – The perfect addition for any collector! Tail of fish is the handle for shaking. Made of a new, more durable stoneware. Dishwasher safe. Yay.

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Banknote: Hey, can you smoke weed with those?

Salty: You took woodshop, you can smoke weed out of anything.

Thee: Looks like they have ebola or something.

Wook: These things make me uneasy, I think because I’m pretty sure that all hatchery trout will someday look exactly like this. You know, stackable for easy storage and transport. And dishwasher-safe.

Wally: With five years of high school woodshop under my belt I can confidently tell you that, yes, you can smoke weed with those.

C-Love: For the flyfisherman in your life that has, well almost everything.

Wook: I’m still unclear on what exactly is supposed to motivate me to grab a fish by the tail and shake it over my dinner plate.

Hand Carved Oak Toilet Seat With A Trout On It

($199.95 from The Rogue Angler) – Solid oak with brass fittings, hand carved and painted, for most round or oval toilets. Largemouth bass or sailfish models also available. How lucky!

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Wook: First the TP holder, now this fresh hell. YAY! MORE POTTY JOKES!

Salty: My shitter would be complete with this and the reel TP dispenser, sign me up.

Banknote: Is this some kind of sneaky trick to get me to put the seat down?

Thee: I have a new idea for a laptop design…

Wally:I hope there’s a fish on the other side cuz nobody around here ever closes the lid.

Fish Mailboxes

(Prices Vary by Species from Michel Devost in Quebec Canada) – It’s a mailbox that looks like a fish.

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Thee: Remember when you were a kid driving around in Jimmy Pryzinski’s Nova all hopped up on Labatt’s, Jim Beam and cheap mexican brickweed? Anyway, ya get outta town on some hick road and there they were, lined up and waiting — a buncha mailboxes just begging you to smash the shit out of them as you flew by hanging out the window with a 34 inch aluminum baseball bat. Think how much more fun that would be with one of these as your target. You freaking kids don’t know how lucky you got it.

C-Love: What Thee said. We had to hit hollow logs and bricked-in mailboxes.

Banknote: Or, as the case may be, seeing as how these things are made “up there,” a bladeless, heavily taped Koho shaft.

Wook: It would be funny if when the mailman opened it up a big wet gob of worms shot out of it with a mighty PHOOT sound.

Salty: The bass one should shoot dead baby ducks and mice at passers-by.

2008 Women In Waders Calendar

($12.95 from WomenInWaders.com) – Pretty much what you’d expect.

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Smithhammer: The way these calendars objectify fish is just, well… wrong.

Salty: Didn’t we already cover women in waders? Plus it’s obvious that this one doesn’t practice C&R- I mean look at the gill death grip she has. Although if she’s keeping it, it probably means she can cook, which is kinda rare in a woman that spendy and flash, assuming the Women in Waders folks are getting the best out of the strip mall modeling agency talent. Unless they’re combing “Beaver Hunt,” those gals can cook and don’t mind getting their hands dirty.

Wook: It’s the “in waders” part that mystifies me, I guess. Do they also make a “Women In Bowling Shoes” calendar? How about “Women In Bike Helmets”? It’s hard to really complain though, because this is just the sort of thinking that, taken to the far reaches of slack, ultimately brings us things like the Weed Bikini. I guess all this really proves is that geeks of all stripes are kinda sad, but they probably have disposable income, which is good because they’ll buy almost anything.

Banknote: Dudes, I totally know that hole, er, uh, pool…. Yeah, anyway, judging by the ice fall, I’d say that’s a winter fish and she’s damn cold in them thar hipboots.

Salty: Women in Waders uses the finest models from the strip mall talent agency, although I see no evidence of her being cold.

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OK scamps, no more or you’ll get a stomach ache and barf. We hope this has all been helpful, or at least mildly cathartic, and maybe has earned us a little Santa cred so we’ll get the G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip this year. Hopefully in the ‘08 edition we’ll be able to heap juvenile potty scorn on the Buster Wants To Fish t-shirt. Buster wishes you merriment all ’round. Hey c’mon, stop weeping. We know you appreciate it.

Hey shoppers, time is short and nothing poops up the holidays like the stink of desperation. Check out Part 1 here, and Part 2 here. Buster’s got you covered.

 

 

Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07 – Part 2

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Festive Olde Timey Cod Boy

The holidays are approaching fast and so is the torrent of Crap With Fish On It(tm) for eager anglers everywhere. But is it quality or garbage or merely weird or whut the hell is that thing anyway? Well don’t sweat it, we’ll sort through it for you. Presenting the next installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07. Please try to contain your glee.

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Wicker Creel Full O’ Cookies

($45.99 from Delightful Deliveries) – For the fisherman with a sweet tooth. Old-fashioned fly fishing basket holds a half dozen brownies and a half dozen chocolate chip cookies. Perfect gift for the avid fisherman, at least according to the ad copy. Actual delight may vary.

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Salty: Great idea except that if I got that Christmas morning, Wilfred Brimley would show up that night to talk about my impending diabeetus.

Wook: Please, just give me the stupid cookies in a bag. I can trade them to the kid down the road for a couple of woodchuck tails or something. As for the cute little novelty creel, it’ll sit on the counter until it fills with junk mail and dust bison, and then I’ll toss it. Save your money.

Thee: Can you put your weed in there?

Smithhammer: Ooof. Ghey beyond belief. The person who gives you this really hates you, and just didn’t have the time or skills to throw a letter bomb together. Respond by lighting the damn thing on fire and throwing it at their head.

Bino-Flask “Bar-noculars”

($19.95 from Collins Brothers) – It’s a flask that holds booze, but it looks like a set of binos, ha, binos for winos.

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Salty: Hmmm, might actually improve the taste of Night Train, T-Bird or Cisco. Other than that, more weight than is useful, easier just to slip a bottle in the pack.

Wook: Yess, let’s give the “outdoor enthusiast” some booze goggles to check out the local wildlife. Guaranteed to get toothless Uncle Gunther a headline on “News of the Weird.” And might also get you a cousin with antlers.

Smithhammer: “Hmmmm….that sounds like a red-breasted mattress thrasher, I better go investigate…”

Thee: Reminder — “The Man” does not want you to drink inside Seahawk Stadium. Fuck the man. I’ll take these.

Leather Trout Paper Weight

($45.00 from where else? Orvis) It’s a leather trout paper weight, no real need to elaborate here.

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Wook: I have too much cash and no imagination, so I spent $45 on this fish-shaped lump of leather for you. Look, it’s even got your initials stamped on it, so there’s no way you can deny that it’s yours. No, really, you’re welcome, stop hugging me so tight, I can’t breathe.

Salty: Fine Corinthian Hand Stitched Leather!

Wook: Are there really people out there with stacks of important papers next to a breezy window that need to be secured? And if so, is a rock or a coffee cup just not up to snuff?

Thee: It’s a fucking blackjack, you dipshits. I’ll take a case.

Wook: And so began Thee’s rather unconventional descent into a life of highbrow thuggery and silly crimes.

“Cabin Series” Humidor With A Trout On It

($69.99 from A Gift Personalized) A personalized wood humidor. Nothing says Spring Ridge Club like having a wood box full o’ Cubans, and that’s just in the staff quarters. You can get your name and camp engraved.

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Salty: Hey, you could put yer weed in there.

Wook: Smithhammer could put his Micronauts in there.

Smithhammer: Hey, I could put my weed and my Micronauts in there!

Thee: Can you really put your weed in there? I mean, will it violate the warranty or something?

Salty: Does a wood box come with a warranty? It’d better be a lifetime warranty.

Bacon_to_fry: Fuck, does Thee’s weed come with a warranty? ‘Cause all i’m getting is a headache and an itchy toe.

Fishing Reel Toilet Paper Holder

($24.95 from Fish and Gifts) A TP holder that looks like a fishing reel. See, when you grab some TP the thing spins around and it looks like a fishing reel, which is really cool because you like to fish and stuff. On the toilet. I guess.

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Wook: Insert “fighting butt” joke here.

Salty: Pure GOLD, especially if it makes a screaming drag sound when I pull a strip off.

Smithhammer: “Whew, that brown took me into the backing…”

Bacon_to_fry: “No matter how bad the environmental conditions, we just couldn’t wipe out those invasive browns.” 

Rainbow Trout Stapler

($16.50 from Paper Source) For the fishing fool who wants to attach a cover sheet to that TPS report while fondly brutalizing a malformed psychedelic trout.

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Wook: This might just be THE item that says “under slightly different circumstances I could easily be that weird cat lady from down the street.”

Thee: As if we need to mock cube farmers even more. Cripes, give the poor bastards a break.

Salty: I’ve tried to come up with something to say about, but I am speechless in the face of that monstrosity.

Fishing Adventure Playset

($9.95 from Bass Pro) Action figure with canoe, kayak, net, rod with magnetic “lure” thing, and magnetic bass. No, we’re not kidding. Behold.

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Salty: What is that reel, the Tibor Farallon Islands model? Jesus, I know largemouf can fight, but that’s a friggin Warn Winch. Bet that rod has roller guides too.

Thee: Those are some nice leather dungarees, Chad.

Smithhammer: Hmmm, let’s look at the checklist: leather, rubber, fishnet, rope, a couple paddles. Yup – Chad’s all set for an “invigorating” weekend of tapping bass.

Wook: Better keep those Micronauts away from Chad or they’ll kick his ass and take his pants and his fish and leave him with nothing but a charred kayak and wistful secret shame.

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OK, that’s all the Yuletide splendor you get for now. We’ll try to do a couple more of these in the weeks leading up to the big wrapping paper frenzy, because Buster’s got a soft spot for revelers. No, really, don’t mention it.

Hey shoppers, nothing poops up the holidays like the stink of desperation. Check out Part 1 here!

Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07 – Part 1

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Buster knows, it seems that just last week you were launching your leftover fireworks at your annoying neighbor who starts cutting his grass at the crack of ass. But like it or not, the Yuletide season is nearly upon us, and we bet that once again you have no idea what to give to your surly flyfishing nephew with the glazed eyeballs. Oh sure, there’s no shortage of Crap With Fish On It(tm) to choose from. But will he like it, or will he heave it when you leave? Well banish your fears, we’re here to help you sort through it all. Presenting the first installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07.

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Socks With Trout On Them

($9.00 from Animal Den) – Keep feets sorta warm, features stealth “argyle-look” so they can be worn with dress shoes without betraying your weird fish foot fetish to interviewers or coworkers.

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Wook: Um, what? Serious? No.

Thee: Everyone knows how to keep they feets warm. What the world needs is some sorta knit item to keep the danglers comfy. After a couple years of experimentation, I’ve found the soft and plushy purple baggie that accompanies a bottle of Crown Royal a passable accomodation. Use a black Sharpie marker to customize for an extra special gift. Bonus: You keep the booze!

Salty: I find the Crown bag kinda snug, ya know. What I like about those socks is they have a trout and a duck on them, which says I got this for you because you seem to spend your time standing in cold water.

Wook: I think that’s either a loon or an 8-bit rendering of the Starship Enterprise.

Boxer Shorts With A Trout On Them

($16.95 from Gill & Finn) – Features the clever phrase “Fly by the seat of your Pants”. Sure to elicit laughter from your spouse or significant other. Once. Maybe.

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Wook: She’s not laughing at the clever turn of phrase, Mr. Studly.

Salty: White drawers? You’re going to have to wash those twice.

Banknote: Ha! At first glance I thought they said “fly by the scat of your pants”.

Wook: Hmmm. Maybe they do. Let’s move along.

Silver Spoons With Trout On Them

($29.99/set from Arthur Court Designs) – Show off your angling dementia in high style at your next fancy dinner party by forcing your guests to grab a trout to get some gravy.

troutspoons

Thee: Peruvian marching powder = soooo 1991.

Salty: Man, that’s sterling silver, my relatives would probably walk off with that at Christmas.

Wook: So I’m supposed to please my dinner guests by having silver fishes leap at them from an innocuous side dish? Isn’t that sort of alarming? What’s next, a wolverine attack from the chili pot? Wait, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.

Smithhammer: Says, “I’m an upper crust, exclusive golf and trout water, Tilley vest wearing scroat-gurgler” like few other gifts can.

Custom Leather-Covered Booze Flask With a Salmon Fly On It

($300-$600 from James Acord) – So you’re a fisherman who likes to drink. Welcome aboard.

troutflask1

Wook: Wait, this is actually cool. Recommended. Next!

Smithhammer: Would be much sickerer with a good ‘ol blue collar, meat and potatoes caddis pattern on it instead of that ladies’ turn of the century hat on a hook, but hells yes we’s want one.

The Pulaski Salmon Run Experience In Bronze

($2,760.00 from Foster’s Fine Art) – You fished the glorious Town Pool on New York’s Salmon River, and you never want to forget your new friend that stood in your hip pocket all day. No chance of that now. Lucky you.

troutbronze

Wook: Not entirely accurate. Needs about a dozen more fishermen, several stoned bridge rats, some beer cans and some dead salmon with hooks in their pecs. Good thing: if you sit back, squint real hard, shout things at it and use it as an ashtray, it’s almost exactly like being there.

Smithhammer: Thanks, but I’ll stick with my collection of Micronauts.

Flopping Rubber Bass Trailer Hitch Cover With Light-Up Eyeballs

($24.95 from Bass Pro) – No description necessary.

basshitchcover

Wook: This thing comfortably holds a 40, but when you get it near your face you’ll be overwhelmed by the stench of solvents and hopelessness. Pass.

Thee: Wook, who authorized you to type this thing? That sumbitch is Kowalski Kowality. Fuck and Yes.

Salty: When I’m drinking Old E, I think the smell of solvents helps. I like the safety factor it adds by flopping around and lighting up the eyes- it really draws the attention of the driver behind you so he’ll focus on that as he plows his Hyundai into your trailer hitch at a red light.

Bottle Opener – Fish Style

($9.50 from Log Cabin Furnishings) – This alleged bottle opener is the perfect gift for any fisherman or nature lover. Finished as pictured with color highlights in the actual finish, whatever that means.

kitchacc_botopener

Thee: Not only does this thing have poor design functionality and is 169% fugly, but if a guy like bacon sees you opening up a beer with anything other than a 79 cent el cheapo cigarette lighter, you are in line of a severe physical/emotional beatdown.

Wook: Looks to me like it’ll make a passable pledge paddle for Ofuk the Barbarian’s next Grand Wizard Council & Spey Conclave.

Salty: How big is it? You might away using it as a teaser for sails. Other than that, I’ll stick with my free “OB Lager Beer” opener I ganked from a dive bar in Seoul.

Smithhammer: Truly says, “I had no fucking idea what to get you, but I think I heard once that you like to fish, or something.”

Trout Can Coozy

($5.50 from Outdoor Gifts.com) – Again, no description necessary.

index

Salty: It’s foam and keeps my beer cold, even a tall boy. Keeper in my book.

Thee: Even smeared in KY?

Salty: Of course smeared in KY, makes it easier to pull the empty out

Wook: The modern codpiece aesthetic has really gone to the shits. I still prefer a gourd.

Smithhammer : Free “If the Trout are Lost, Smash the State” sticker to the first registered BWTF reader to post a pic of themselves wearing said codpiece, and nothing else, in front of their local Orvis boutique. Serious.

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OK, that’s all the happy elfin magic for now. We’ll try to do a few more of these in the weeks leading up to the big wrapping paper frenzy, because Buster’s got a soft spot for revelers. Don’t mention it.

walkenix7