Conan! What is Best in Life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the sizzling of their bacon!

baconcross

Is it safe?

Just in time for Easter it’s Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor! The bacon, which represents awesome, is bound to the world-burger with the blood of the giant Hymir, here provided in a handy squeeze bottle.

Thor once went fishing with Hymir the giant, who refused to provide Thor with bait, so Thor struck the head off Hymir’s largest ox to use as such, even though he was planning on fishing flies anyway, because Hymir was an annoying dick. Thor’s offering was eaten by Jörmungandr the Midgard Serpent, whom Thor pulled from the water, whereupon the two faced off, Jörmungandr spewing blood and poison. Hymir went pale with fear, and as Thor reached for his hammer to kill the beast, Hymir cut the line, letting the serpent sink beneath the waves. Because Hymir was also a pussy.

thorfish

Dude stop crying and get the net! Damn!

The texts are unclear, but one presumes that Thor then beat the living snot out of Hymir to give him something to cry about. The lesson I guess is that bacon is awesome, and you shouldn’t fish with giant whiny annoying pussies.

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