Aw damn, it’s that time already, and you just drew David James Duncan for your Secret Santa antic. What the hell do you get for that guy? Pocket Soduku? ShamWow? He does that weird whippy fishing thing, right? Yeah, something with a fish on it, good, that’s good. But what? Lookit all this stuff!
No fear, intrepid reader, commence merriment! Buster’s here to help you separate the sweet from the daft with Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘08. OK we know you’re happy. Please stop with the screaming.
The Screamin’ Reel Alarm Clock
($130.00 for wood, $189.00 for aluminum, from Reeltime) – goes RZZZZZ when the alarm goes off.
Thee: Simulates the sound of line ripping off the reel when the alarm goes off, huh? So, obviously, this is not appropriate for trout fishermen.
Smiff: An essential ingredient in any Rube Goldberg device. Try rigging it so the alarm starts the kettle and pulls the blanket off when you have a boil.
Salty: Cork drag? Aircraft aluminum frame? Nope. Sound of line going out while I’m stuck here in the desert? What is this the kick in teh nuts wakeup alarm?
Wook: No sign of a drag, so maybe if you get a nice backlash you can sleep for another hour. Includes a real fly stuck in it, so when your sleepy self tries to palm it you’ll get a little extra wake-up action.
A Trout for Holding Those Things With Lots of Pages and Words and stuff
($19.99) – Wood and simulated fish parts hold books perfectly upright. Better than a pair of bricks because, hey cmon, fish!
Thee: Does the full collection of James Prosek “masterworks” come with this or does the angler need to purchase that separately (by the pound)?
Smiff: “Hey look – a trout swam right through my collection of purely decorative leather-bound books! HA! Would you care for another Cosmopolitan?”
Wook: Seems weird that a handsomely bound collection of words celebrating the fish and its pursuit would then be used to chop one in half.
Thee: Warning: Likely burst into flames if exposed to anything from Frank Amato Publishing.
($12.95 from Kumquat Art) – Glass trout ornament by Inge Glas of Germany. Very fancy. Tail not included or even available.
Wook: It looks like a pickle. With gills and fins and a face. And a rash.
WT: Look at its tail. I think that it’s got the whiling disease.
Wook: No seriously, it’s a pickle.
Thee: Well, what happens when you lick it?
Wook: Buster has yet to find anyone willing to lick the mutant space trout pickle. Let’s get Salty.
Salty: Look, I made you a wooden pickle.
Bait Shop Bird House
($18.99 from Log Cabin Fever) – “Bass Lake Lodge” birdhouse with fishing-themed accents that are reminiscent of a lakeside retreat. For birds to poop on.
Thee: It’s missing the tweaker’s old camo pickup with the rebel battleflag in the back window that’s parked out front. While the birdies are in the store getting their seed, that asshole will be breaking into their nests and stealing their TVs.
Wook: I’m sure my mob of blue jays would appreciate the “fishing-themed accents” while they’re slobbering seed all over the joint.
Tackle Box Thing Full of Candy With Santa On It
($3.95 from Carol’s Candy Corner) – fudge-filled “bobbers”, chocolate “sinkers”, gummy worms, fish and frogs, packed in a plastic box. Box features Cartoon Santa putting the right jolly old wood to a gummy burbot. Net Wt 5 oz.
Smiff: I’m not putting one of those bobbers in my mouf, no matter how much nog you pour down my throat.
Wook: Safe bet: if the words “fun gift for any fisherman” are printed on the item, then it likely isn’t.
Thee: I’ve actually received this gift — no lie. Here’s my review: The gummies were redolent of petrol, tho I found myself intrigued by their stale, non-gummy texture. An interesting juxtaposition! The green things, well, I wasn’t really so sure what they were… I have a sneaking suspicion that they were part of this new “molecular gastronomy” situation. Nonetheless, these had been put through the flavor extractor — twice. I cannot remember what the bobber things were, but I ate them. NOT yummy, holmes. The sinkers were little chocolate turds, also stale, mealy and borderline rancid. I ate them, too. So, yeah, this was loaded with crap candy that tasted horrible. Perfect for the angler in your life you’d like to see writhing on the floor with dysentery.
Salty: So this is the perfect gift for Larry Craig and Donny Beaver?
Really Big Fish Hook
(Starting at $25 from Hand Made Fish Hooks) – For ass-hooking really big fish, we guess.
WT: You could tie a therma-rest to this thing and have the biggest Chernobyl Ant ever! Ha Ha!
Wook: Body part bait sold separately.
Thee: Let’s see, I’ve found my really big-assed fish hook, now where in the world did I leave that encyclopedia sized-Zippo?
Salty: It obvious none of you humps fish the salt. I’ll take 2 dozen and a couple of dead baby dolphins.
Toilet Bowl Brush Caddy Thing With A Fish On It
($23.40 from The Jungle Store) – Looks like a wicker basket creel with a hat and a fish on it, but it’s not really, because it’s plastic. Is trick! Ha!
Wook: I’m so crazy nuts about fishing that I like to pretend I’m fishing when I’m swabbing out the ol thunder bucket. Thank you, Aunt Edna, for indulging my disturbing compulsion with this thoughtful gift.*SCHLAP*
Salty: Just what I’ve always wanted. Something that will associate the shittiest job in the house with my favorite pastime. Awesome, thanks dear.
Smiff: “Big brown on!! Bring the net!!”
How To Shit In The Woods
($9.95 at Amazon.com) – By Kathleen Meyer, from Ten Speed Press. Second edition – yes, second edition – includes a new chapter entitled “Plight of the Solo Poop Packer”.
Wook: Can’t possibly go wrong. I mean c’mon, the first chapter is called “Anatomy of a Crap”. According to Amazon, people who purchased this book also bought “Up Shit Creek: A Collection of Horrifyingly True Wilderness Toilet Misadventures”. That’s gold.
Salty: That and the toilet brush make a great package gift for mother-in-laws and bosses.
Christmas Bonus Dick Joke!
If that special angler on your list gets nothing else this X-mas, there’s always the Wunder Boner:
OK scamps, that’s it for this year! Go to bed or you get nothing! NOTHING!