Greetings piscatorial truthseekers! If you’ve done much poking around lately, you’ve probably noticed that everybody knows everything, and it’s therefore impossible to get a straight answer to anything. Fantastic, thanks Mr. McLuhan. The media is the message, and the message is WTF? Is anyone not an expert?
Well, Buster’s no expert and we’re not ashamed. But Buster shares your frustration, so in an effort to dull the roar we’ve decided to get our own expert. And not just any expert, but one who’s got nothing at stake, no potential customers to lose and, well, no dick to wave. By popular demand (we might be lying but you’ll never know) Buster Wants To Fish now presents the next installment of your sole and indisputable font of all flyfishing knowledge…
Ask The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton
When last we left the Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton, he was tired and cranky from the ordeal of being reanimated and interrogated. So we put him in a sunny corner next to the philodendron to give him some rest and revitalization. He quickly got bored and contracted a bad case of spider mites, so we hit him with some RAID and put him to work answering the phones. We’re hoping that this gives him a renewed sense of purpose and satisfaction. How you doin Ike?
Fvck you. I hate you.
Not cut out for phone work, huh?
It’s not so bad, the headset is nice, but I can’t dial out because I have no arms. Also Salty keeps using me as an ashtray. And those blinking Christmas lights drove me MAD! I still have tinsel in my hair. I was happier when I was dead, thanks for asking.
Wow. Sorry. We have a new batch of questions for you, will that cheer you up?
I can hardly contain my enthusiasm.
Fantastic! Our first question comes from Shaq E. in Aubanee NY:
Dear Izaak, Why do women look so good in hip boots?
You’ve dialed the wrong extension. You want line 3 for “NSFW With Ian Forbes.” Good luck with that.
Next up, D. Wader from the internets wants to know:
Dear Mr. Walton…The other day I saw a two volume print of that craptastic book you wrote at Orvis for $500.00. But those bastards had it marked down to $250.00. How much of that do you get?
Not one red cent because I never copywrited the damn thing and now it’s in the public domain, which means little scamps like Buster get to have great fun poking my corpse. But save your money, because I’m currently penning three new chapters. It’ll be republished under the title “The Compleat Angler Trout Bum Edition: Izaak Wilds Out in Mongolia, Kuala Lampur and Slovakia.”
Dear Izaak- How long from tooth to tail for store-brand niblets?
It’ll be $29.99 retail, but Amazon will probably give you a deal. Or you can order it directly from me for $20 (cash) and I’ll sign it. Uh, lick it. Or something.
Great, let’s stick with the program, huh? Some guy named Mr. LDR asks:
Mr. Izaak, how do you feel about tying nymphs with weighted treble hooks and then soaking them in roe or power bait?
I can’t think of a better cat toy. Next!
A Nanoo, Michigan resident, John P. sends this question in via email:
Dear Izaak, are flies considered flies when tied with foam? How bout your thoughts on pegged beads?
Nanoo? Ha! Like Mork! I saw that on TV Land. He flies around in an egg. An egg! I ate all the Cheetos because Smithhammer bet me I couldn’t. Sorry about the couch. You ever eat poi?
Dammit, you found his stash of Micronauts. That’s it! Shape up now or it’s back to wearing the pink bonnet. You remember the bonnet, Francesca? Remember “Dancing Queen?” Do you?
Yes. I’m sorry. I’m better now. Foam flies are effective but sometimes they look like Mayor McCheese, and that’s a little too weird. As for pegged beads, I guess it’s a pretty good way to foul hook a fish.
J. Prozac, artist, writer, musician and emo-mime from Walden’s Settling Pond, Mass. asks:
Dear Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton,
My mother frequently warns me that my philandering will be paid for in the afterlife. Did pursuing a similar lifestyle doom you to your current state? Any tips for dealing with Mom?
Cheer up. You tell your mom that Ike the Spike says “hey baybuh.” You should listen to her, she’s a nice lady. And listen to some Zeppelin too, it’ll do you some good. Stay in school.
Heckler from the internets asks:
Hey Izaak…vest or chest pack?
Oh very funny. You’re a funny man. Hey everybody, look at Mr. Funny Man.
Finally, our own WT asks:
Dear Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton,
Why is the Great Lakes steelheading better than steelhead fishing on the West Side? We had ‘em first.
Oh that’s easy. Suffering is an inherent part of existence. The origin of suffering is ignorance and the main symptoms of that ignorance are attachment and craving, which can be ceased. Following the Noble Eightfold Path will lead to the cessation of attachment and craving and therefore suffering. Savvy?
OK, that’s it. Please leave your questions for The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton in the comments, and keep em coming, he needs the work. And once again thanks to Epol for securing and reanimating The Head, and to Salty for the RAID. Great job.