Here it comes, the big Festivus gift-lobbing kablooey, and oh damn you forgot about Weird Cousin Fred the Fisherman. OK, well, just google up “Crap With Fish On It” and holy jumpin jeebus on a pogo stick, lookit all this stuff! How the hell are you supposed to decide? Well Buster’s here to help you separate the sweet from the daft. Presenting the third and final installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07. Now settle down and stop horsing around.
The Big Bobber Floating Cooler
($29.69 from Creative Sales Company) – 12-can cooler, looks like ye olde bait bobber, and it floats. Get it?
Wook: I bet you could fit a whole midget in there.
Thee: Don’t call them midgets, bro. They get all irked and shit. I learned this on “Little People, Big World” which is a reality show on the TV. There’s these two midgets little people, see, and they have this farm and guess where it is… you got it… Oregon! No shit, Oregon! Go figure, huh? Anyway, the mom is pretty hot in a MILFy midget little person way and they have a buncha kids and shit and they all love one another even though some of the kids are normal sized and some are “little.” So… where was I…. Oh! I wonder if they have one of those bobber things?
Banknote: Does it grill sausages? THAT would be impressive.
Salty: Mmm sausages and beer, that makes for a good Christmas; this would make for a strong addition to a party float on the Little J.
Smithhammer: Some poor stiff is gonna wash up in one of those off of Manhattan, guaranteed.
Wally: A great gift for someone who transports donor organs.
Wook: Dear Little People, I apologize for calling you “midgets,” and I have no real evidence to suggest that you’d fit inside the bobber cooler. But if you can, please take a photo and send it to us. Merry Christmas, and I’m sure someday you’ll be the best dentist ever.
Fly Fishing Bathroom Scale
($69.95 from Sporty’s Men’s Collection) – Digital bathroom scale made of clear acrylic with hand tied flies molded into the platform. 330 lb. capacity, sorry huge giant fatties.
Salty: I don’t see a nymph on that thing, Bacon would buy it.
Wook: Methinks somebody’s got a surplus of Taiwanese flies.
Wally: I invented a novelty/gift bathroom scale once. It looked just like this one except that it had a mirrored surface and an analog display. It didn’t sell very well, I guess nobody likes analog these days.
Banknote: Hey, can you weigh weed on that thing?
Thee: It’s those gotdam flies… they’re adding 10 pounds!
C-Love: Why does it always have to be traditional salmon flies? Meh.
Smithhammer: Would be better if the hooks all protruded upwards.
($175.00 from CufflinksDepot.com. Yeah, really.) – Cuff bling for the natty troot-pimp-about-town.
Wook: We have it on good authority that Tom Chandler’s been really good this year, hoping for at least one pair of these. Several pair would be great, because you know these crazy “underground” subculture types and their weird piercings and such. Whatever, hope you enjoy them Tom, because you asked for it.
Salty: Those are some natty cuff links; they’d make all the boys at the SRC jealous, except Lefty, he’s got that pimped out belt buckle
Thee: Are those fucking things blinking? I hope not, because taking blinking trouts to a rave is like, very very 2002. That being said, James Prosek would wear these to the goddam figgy pudding dinner or whatever…
Wookipedia: The history of figgy pudding dates back to 17th century England. The ancestor of figgy pudding (and plum pudding) is a medieval spiced porridge known as Frumenty.
Salty: I question Thee’s commitment to sparkle motion.
Wook: But not to Frumenty.
Legends of the Lake Fishing Game
($19.95 from Amazon) – The latest introduction to the best-selling “Bass Fishin” series. 4 legendary fish to catch and conquer, and famous lakes around the country to fish. Hand-held electronic bass fishin game features realistic vibration feedback & authentic reel sounds. Allegedly.
Wook: Almost exactly unlike fishing, but you’re guaranteed to look like an idiot on the couch in your ratty robe and your new fuzzy slippers all knees-bent and hunched over with your tongue stickin’ out squinting at the thing and then spazzing out when it starts vibrating like a cheap Chinese robot prostitute. Add realism by getting your brother-in-law to stand over your shoulder and yell “set set SET SET AW SHIT YOU SUCK!” Good luck with that.
Thee: Not for sale to pre-teen gals. Sorry.
Smithhammer: Good cover story for when you happen to leave your vibrator on the coffee table.
Salty: There’s no way to follow that ^.
Wook: Ha! No, really, it’s a fishing game! Look, you give it a yank like that and BZZZZZT. See? What?!
Rainbow Trout Salt & Pepper Shakers
($15.21 from Bellfishing.com) – The perfect addition for any collector! Tail of fish is the handle for shaking. Made of a new, more durable stoneware. Dishwasher safe. Yay.
Banknote: Hey, can you smoke weed with those?
Salty: You took woodshop, you can smoke weed out of anything.
Thee: Looks like they have ebola or something.
Wook: These things make me uneasy, I think because I’m pretty sure that all hatchery trout will someday look exactly like this. You know, stackable for easy storage and transport. And dishwasher-safe.
Wally: With five years of high school woodshop under my belt I can confidently tell you that, yes, you can smoke weed with those.
C-Love: For the flyfisherman in your life that has, well almost everything.
Wook: I’m still unclear on what exactly is supposed to motivate me to grab a fish by the tail and shake it over my dinner plate.
Hand Carved Oak Toilet Seat With A Trout On It
($199.95 from The Rogue Angler) – Solid oak with brass fittings, hand carved and painted, for most round or oval toilets. Largemouth bass or sailfish models also available. How lucky!
Wook: First the TP holder, now this fresh hell. YAY! MORE POTTY JOKES!
Salty: My shitter would be complete with this and the reel TP dispenser, sign me up.
Banknote: Is this some kind of sneaky trick to get me to put the seat down?
Thee: I have a new idea for a laptop design…
Wally:I hope there’s a fish on the other side cuz nobody around here ever closes the lid.
(Prices Vary by Species from Michel Devost in Quebec Canada) – It’s a mailbox that looks like a fish.
Thee: Remember when you were a kid driving around in Jimmy Pryzinski’s Nova all hopped up on Labatt’s, Jim Beam and cheap mexican brickweed? Anyway, ya get outta town on some hick road and there they were, lined up and waiting — a buncha mailboxes just begging you to smash the shit out of them as you flew by hanging out the window with a 34 inch aluminum baseball bat. Think how much more fun that would be with one of these as your target. You freaking kids don’t know how lucky you got it.
C-Love: What Thee said. We had to hit hollow logs and bricked-in mailboxes.
Banknote: Or, as the case may be, seeing as how these things are made “up there,” a bladeless, heavily taped Koho shaft.
Wook: It would be funny if when the mailman opened it up a big wet gob of worms shot out of it with a mighty PHOOT sound.
Salty: The bass one should shoot dead baby ducks and mice at passers-by.
2008 Women In Waders Calendar
($12.95 from WomenInWaders.com) – Pretty much what you’d expect.
Smithhammer: The way these calendars objectify fish is just, well… wrong.
Salty: Didn’t we already cover women in waders? Plus it’s obvious that this one doesn’t practice C&R- I mean look at the gill death grip she has. Although if she’s keeping it, it probably means she can cook, which is kinda rare in a woman that spendy and flash, assuming the Women in Waders folks are getting the best out of the strip mall modeling agency talent. Unless they’re combing “Beaver Hunt,” those gals can cook and don’t mind getting their hands dirty.
Wook: It’s the “in waders” part that mystifies me, I guess. Do they also make a “Women In Bowling Shoes” calendar? How about “Women In Bike Helmets”? It’s hard to really complain though, because this is just the sort of thinking that, taken to the far reaches of slack, ultimately brings us things like the Weed Bikini. I guess all this really proves is that geeks of all stripes are kinda sad, but they probably have disposable income, which is good because they’ll buy almost anything.
Banknote: Dudes, I totally know that hole, er, uh, pool…. Yeah, anyway, judging by the ice fall, I’d say that’s a winter fish and she’s damn cold in them thar hipboots.
Salty: Women in Waders uses the finest models from the strip mall talent agency, although I see no evidence of her being cold.
OK scamps, no more or you’ll get a stomach ache and barf. We hope this has all been helpful, or at least mildly cathartic, and maybe has earned us a little Santa cred so we’ll get the G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip this year. Hopefully in the ‘08 edition we’ll be able to heap juvenile potty scorn on the Buster Wants To Fish t-shirt. Buster wishes you merriment all ’round. Hey c’mon, stop weeping. We know you appreciate it.