The holidays are approaching fast and so is the torrent of Crap With Fish On It(tm) for eager anglers everywhere. But is it quality or garbage or merely weird or whut the hell is that thing anyway? Well don’t sweat it, we’ll sort through it for you. Presenting the next installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07. Please try to contain your glee.
Wicker Creel Full O’ Cookies
($45.99 from Delightful Deliveries) – For the fisherman with a sweet tooth. Old-fashioned fly fishing basket holds a half dozen brownies and a half dozen chocolate chip cookies. Perfect gift for the avid fisherman, at least according to the ad copy. Actual delight may vary.
Salty: Great idea except that if I got that Christmas morning, Wilfred Brimley would show up that night to talk about my impending diabeetus.
Wook: Please, just give me the stupid cookies in a bag. I can trade them to the kid down the road for a couple of woodchuck tails or something. As for the cute little novelty creel, it’ll sit on the counter until it fills with junk mail and dust bison, and then I’ll toss it. Save your money.
Thee: Can you put your weed in there?
Smithhammer: Ooof. Ghey beyond belief. The person who gives you this really hates you, and just didn’t have the time or skills to throw a letter bomb together. Respond by lighting the damn thing on fire and throwing it at their head.
($19.95 from Collins Brothers) – It’s a flask that holds booze, but it looks like a set of binos, ha, binos for winos.
Salty: Hmmm, might actually improve the taste of Night Train, T-Bird or Cisco. Other than that, more weight than is useful, easier just to slip a bottle in the pack.
Wook: Yess, let’s give the “outdoor enthusiast” some booze goggles to check out the local wildlife. Guaranteed to get toothless Uncle Gunther a headline on “News of the Weird.” And might also get you a cousin with antlers.
Smithhammer: “Hmmmm….that sounds like a red-breasted mattress thrasher, I better go investigate…”
Thee: Reminder — “The Man” does not want you to drink inside Seahawk Stadium. Fuck the man. I’ll take these.
Leather Trout Paper Weight
($45.00 from where else? Orvis) It’s a leather trout paper weight, no real need to elaborate here.
Wook: I have too much cash and no imagination, so I spent $45 on this fish-shaped lump of leather for you. Look, it’s even got your initials stamped on it, so there’s no way you can deny that it’s yours. No, really, you’re welcome, stop hugging me so tight, I can’t breathe.
Salty: Fine Corinthian Hand Stitched Leather!
Wook: Are there really people out there with stacks of important papers next to a breezy window that need to be secured? And if so, is a rock or a coffee cup just not up to snuff?
Thee: It’s a fucking blackjack, you dipshits. I’ll take a case.
Wook: And so began Thee’s rather unconventional descent into a life of highbrow thuggery and silly crimes.
“Cabin Series” Humidor With A Trout On It
($69.99 from A Gift Personalized) A personalized wood humidor. Nothing says Spring Ridge Club like having a wood box full o’ Cubans, and that’s just in the staff quarters. You can get your name and camp engraved.
Salty: Hey, you could put yer weed in there.
Wook: Smithhammer could put his Micronauts in there.
Smithhammer: Hey, I could put my weed and my Micronauts in there!
Thee: Can you really put your weed in there? I mean, will it violate the warranty or something?
Salty: Does a wood box come with a warranty? It’d better be a lifetime warranty.
Bacon_to_fry: Fuck, does Thee’s weed come with a warranty? ‘Cause all i’m getting is a headache and an itchy toe.
Fishing Reel Toilet Paper Holder
($24.95 from Fish and Gifts) A TP holder that looks like a fishing reel. See, when you grab some TP the thing spins around and it looks like a fishing reel, which is really cool because you like to fish and stuff. On the toilet. I guess.
Wook: Insert “fighting butt” joke here.
Salty: Pure GOLD, especially if it makes a screaming drag sound when I pull a strip off.
Smithhammer: “Whew, that brown took me into the backing…”
Bacon_to_fry: “No matter how bad the environmental conditions, we just couldn’t wipe out those invasive browns.”
Rainbow Trout Stapler
($16.50 from Paper Source) For the fishing fool who wants to attach a cover sheet to that TPS report while fondly brutalizing a malformed psychedelic trout.
Wook: This might just be THE item that says “under slightly different circumstances I could easily be that weird cat lady from down the street.”
Thee: As if we need to mock cube farmers even more. Cripes, give the poor bastards a break.
Salty: I’ve tried to come up with something to say about, but I am speechless in the face of that monstrosity.
Fishing Adventure Playset
($9.95 from Bass Pro) Action figure with canoe, kayak, net, rod with magnetic “lure” thing, and magnetic bass. No, we’re not kidding. Behold.
Salty: What is that reel, the Tibor Farallon Islands model? Jesus, I know largemouf can fight, but that’s a friggin Warn Winch. Bet that rod has roller guides too.
Thee: Those are some nice leather dungarees, Chad.
Smithhammer: Hmmm, let’s look at the checklist: leather, rubber, fishnet, rope, a couple paddles. Yup – Chad’s all set for an “invigorating” weekend of tapping bass.
Wook: Better keep those Micronauts away from Chad or they’ll kick his ass and take his pants and his fish and leave him with nothing but a charred kayak and wistful secret shame.
OK, that’s all the Yuletide splendor you get for now. We’ll try to do a couple more of these in the weeks leading up to the big wrapping paper frenzy, because Buster’s got a soft spot for revelers. No, really, don’t mention it.
Hey shoppers, nothing poops up the holidays like the stink of desperation. Check out Part 1 here!