Buster knows, it seems that just last week you were launching your leftover fireworks at your annoying neighbor who starts cutting his grass at the crack of ass. But like it or not, the Yuletide season is nearly upon us, and we bet that once again you have no idea what to give to your surly flyfishing nephew with the glazed eyeballs. Oh sure, there’s no shortage of Crap With Fish On It(tm) to choose from. But will he like it, or will he heave it when you leave? Well banish your fears, we’re here to help you sort through it all. Presenting the first installment of Buster’s Yuletide Gift Guide ‘07.
Socks With Trout On Them
($9.00 from Animal Den) – Keep feets sorta warm, features stealth “argyle-look” so they can be worn with dress shoes without betraying your weird fish foot fetish to interviewers or coworkers.
Wook: Um, what? Serious? No.
Thee: Everyone knows how to keep they feets warm. What the world needs is some sorta knit item to keep the danglers comfy. After a couple years of experimentation, I’ve found the soft and plushy purple baggie that accompanies a bottle of Crown Royal a passable accomodation. Use a black Sharpie marker to customize for an extra special gift. Bonus: You keep the booze!
Salty: I find the Crown bag kinda snug, ya know. What I like about those socks is they have a trout and a duck on them, which says I got this for you because you seem to spend your time standing in cold water.
Wook: I think that’s either a loon or an 8-bit rendering of the Starship Enterprise.
Boxer Shorts With A Trout On Them
($16.95 from Gill & Finn) – Features the clever phrase “Fly by the seat of your Pants”. Sure to elicit laughter from your spouse or significant other. Once. Maybe.
Wook: She’s not laughing at the clever turn of phrase, Mr. Studly.
Salty: White drawers? You’re going to have to wash those twice.
Banknote: Ha! At first glance I thought they said “fly by the scat of your pants”.
Wook: Hmmm. Maybe they do. Let’s move along.
Silver Spoons With Trout On Them
($29.99/set from Arthur Court Designs) – Show off your angling dementia in high style at your next fancy dinner party by forcing your guests to grab a trout to get some gravy.
Thee: Peruvian marching powder = soooo 1991.
Salty: Man, that’s sterling silver, my relatives would probably walk off with that at Christmas.
Wook: So I’m supposed to please my dinner guests by having silver fishes leap at them from an innocuous side dish? Isn’t that sort of alarming? What’s next, a wolverine attack from the chili pot? Wait, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.
Smithhammer: Says, “I’m an upper crust, exclusive golf and trout water, Tilley vest wearing scroat-gurgler” like few other gifts can.
Custom Leather-Covered Booze Flask With a Salmon Fly On It
($300-$600 from James Acord) – So you’re a fisherman who likes to drink. Welcome aboard.
Wook: Wait, this is actually cool. Recommended. Next!
Smithhammer: Would be much sickerer with a good ‘ol blue collar, meat and potatoes caddis pattern on it instead of that ladies’ turn of the century hat on a hook, but hells yes we’s want one.
The Pulaski Salmon Run Experience In Bronze
($2,760.00 from Foster’s Fine Art) – You fished the glorious Town Pool on New York’s Salmon River, and you never want to forget your new friend that stood in your hip pocket all day. No chance of that now. Lucky you.
Wook: Not entirely accurate. Needs about a dozen more fishermen, several stoned bridge rats, some beer cans and some dead salmon with hooks in their pecs. Good thing: if you sit back, squint real hard, shout things at it and use it as an ashtray, it’s almost exactly like being there.
Smithhammer: Thanks, but I’ll stick with my collection of Micronauts.
Flopping Rubber Bass Trailer Hitch Cover With Light-Up Eyeballs
($24.95 from Bass Pro) – No description necessary.
Wook: This thing comfortably holds a 40, but when you get it near your face you’ll be overwhelmed by the stench of solvents and hopelessness. Pass.
Thee: Wook, who authorized you to type this thing? That sumbitch is Kowalski Kowality. Fuck and Yes.
Salty: When I’m drinking Old E, I think the smell of solvents helps. I like the safety factor it adds by flopping around and lighting up the eyes- it really draws the attention of the driver behind you so he’ll focus on that as he plows his Hyundai into your trailer hitch at a red light.
Bottle Opener – Fish Style
($9.50 from Log Cabin Furnishings) – This alleged bottle opener is the perfect gift for any fisherman or nature lover. Finished as pictured with color highlights in the actual finish, whatever that means.
Thee: Not only does this thing have poor design functionality and is 169% fugly, but if a guy like bacon sees you opening up a beer with anything other than a 79 cent el cheapo cigarette lighter, you are in line of a severe physical/emotional beatdown.
Wook: Looks to me like it’ll make a passable pledge paddle for Ofuk the Barbarian’s next Grand Wizard Council & Spey Conclave.
Salty: How big is it? You might away using it as a teaser for sails. Other than that, I’ll stick with my free “OB Lager Beer” opener I ganked from a dive bar in Seoul.
Smithhammer: Truly says, “I had no fucking idea what to get you, but I think I heard once that you like to fish, or something.”
Trout Can Coozy
($5.50 from Outdoor Gifts.com) – Again, no description necessary.
Salty: It’s foam and keeps my beer cold, even a tall boy. Keeper in my book.
Thee: Even smeared in KY?
Salty: Of course smeared in KY, makes it easier to pull the empty out
Wook: The modern codpiece aesthetic has really gone to the shits. I still prefer a gourd.
Smithhammer : Free “If the Trout are Lost, Smash the State” sticker to the first registered BWTF reader to post a pic of themselves wearing said codpiece, and nothing else, in front of their local Orvis boutique. Serious.
OK, that’s all the happy elfin magic for now. We’ll try to do a few more of these in the weeks leading up to the big wrapping paper frenzy, because Buster’s got a soft spot for revelers. Don’t mention it.